My Calling

I love sex so much

Any VCs wanna fund my sex life?

Write pornography it's what you could get up there and pitch- poensfar.. maybe ? Sex worker is the best career for a man

I'll get coffee with my colleagues- hey how was your shift ?

I'll just play video games and listen to music all day and blog about it.a

Recently, I’ve been manicuring my life’s diet because I want to live my best life. If I can just do these three things I’ll be fine.

I recently started a new job as a sex worker. Every MWF I work. Sometimes during the day and mostly at night. I’ll travel to my client’s apartments, make love, and take myself out to dinner. I believe that my ideal life is a fantasy. At one point, I dreamed of working in an office, have a few meetings throughout the week, but mostly being left alone to my work. I commute to a midtown place, pack my lunch and lay out my clothes the night before. That lot of my the thought that preoccupies my mind relates to not doing enough. I want a fantasy , but that fantasy is a rejection of who I am. I’ve never been able to really conceptualize what I want out of life, conceptualize who I am in my life, so I work hard on a path that takes me further and further from my natural resting state. I have visions of living a life but my life has been messy. I want to minimalize it soon. You can write beautifully about these feelings. Obtuse, vague-sounding words that sort-of convey you r point. Oblique strategies. Translucent ones too. You’re getting to META. You need to show that this person is rejecting who he is, is seeking to numb, and believes that a job as a sex worker is perfect because it allows him to turn his brain off forever. I think that’s why he wants to do it. Right. Which is distinct from rejecting himself? Like by not trying, he can push away that part that wants to try, succeed, “and make something of this life” so he focuses on base, rudimentary pleasures. Feeling good all the time. Video games. Coloring. Sex Work. Nothing else. He veers maybe too much into this lifestyle

My job is fully removed from anything digital. My priorities outside of work are writing, reading, playing video games, listening to music that I’ve written on a list, watching movies that I’ve written on a list, socializing, exercising, and cooking. I don’t have any other hobbies. My work can’t fit into any of these passions. Fully separating my passions from m y in-person job is beautiful. I love my work and I love my hobbies. I think i’ve designed the perfect life. By restricting what crosses my vision and graces my ear, i’m emvraing the good in good out philosophy to it’s morst relevant extreme. My diet of experiences flosses my brain and keeps my mental and physical health up. If it’s not a part of one of the above categories, I don’t intentionally interact with it.

Well, I guess I do compulsively check my email. And R/IASIP is a place I know and love. I know what;s good for me and myc career has finally allowed myself to embrace it. Before this I was….

Okay i also scroll through old messages. I saw my messages with sarah an and decided not to text lauren hery do you want to come over and take an edible? Because that reeks of sadness when looking at sarah’s messges with me. I’ve printed out our messages to remind myself how that felt. I have our messages printed out on the wall. To stay humble. There’s no point to even think about texting her. The only way you two can reunite is if you see her in-person. That’s my rule. And, yeah, ofc adriana said fuck you that doesn’t count we go to the same school but fuck you adriana. You met my parents- fuck you!

Well, I’ve had a few different jobs. One of them was watching the NBA and doing a live tweeting thing for Athletic subscrivbers.

The digital morass is a hellscape to anyone online today. I was watching this Youtube Shorts about a game I’ve never played before- Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild. Link was charging some object up, firing an arrow into it, mounting the object, and was catapulted across the map. Idk why those videos keep showing up on my algorithm but it makes me want to play it. And thinking of playing zelda makes me think of the legend of the four swords… I would play that if I was a sex worker. I ‘d have all the time in the world. And I would just invite my coworker over to play with me.

“Wanna come play Legend of Zelda four swords on my SNES today? I’m free all day.”

“I can’t I have a thing with Salman at 2.”

“How’s she?”

“Really great. She put a finger in my ass for the first time- never happened before.”

“Popped your cherry”

“Yeah man thank you yeah it feels good man. I think I really appreciate her in a different way now. Has that ever happened to you?

“Happened to me?”

“Yeah like obviously I wasn’t asking for it. She just kinda did it. And I really liked it- what luck!”

“Well I’m happy for you. And you know I don’t kiss & tell. Have a good one today.:

“You too. Send me a dope photo of the game later.”

Something about that girl in the trailer with her sleeping grandma.

When I get home I start playing until I get frustrated and I step outside to smoke a cigarette. . I have my airpods in and Re.sort by Sora is playing. It’s hauntingly beautiful. It just rained and this wintry european city is changing- to a hot one with a lot of people who care about it all of sudden.

Even though it’s 8pm, people are working on the building above me. A hot spark falls from a building that’s being built and hits me right beneath my eye. Someone hasn’t been very careful while they’ve been building this thing have they? You sound like the most annoying woodpecker.

I notice skirts and I feel flush. I notice how the ass of some people curves outwards while some sort of tuck in. I’ve looked at 10,000 asses and I could look at 10,000 more.

I see beauty and sex everywhere because it sells.

And so I see a women’s midriff in a tennis ad flash across me from across the street. I imagine I have to go masturbate. But I have a client at 3 and i can’t do both.

The reason I became a sex worker is so that I could learn how to talk to women. I’m so embarrassed of what happened with Sha.

My client and I stumbled into this bar in greenpoint no vacancy I think. It was good, great music. While we’re talking, we remark that neither of us let our brains fully develop. We both consumed way too much alcohol before turning 26. We placed a ceiling on our ability level and that’s partially why we’re here- struggling with real issues, like so many other people not at this bar, is something we can’t do.

I think sex work is my calling. I can set everything up the way I like it. I can play title fight while we have sex and work until I can’t think anymore. My profession allows me to lose myself in ecstasy. I enter a flow state. It's a salve and a reprieve to combine briefly with someone, preferably someone you haven't combined with before or at least in a long time.

I live across the street from a Buddhist center and, maybe because they’ve already achieved enlightenment, they’re constantly on their ipads. I wonder how a buddhist can find any pride// in his use of an apple product. I bet they wonder how I could be proud of myself.

1. Bcs gala chick approaching me after a story slam like the same way a group is approached Johnny rotten after a show

The other night I went to an event where venture capitalists pitched their firm to an early stage startup founder. They were attempting to convince the overweight guy who never gets pussy to take their money. The venture capitalists heard a bunch of things about real estate and other terms that don’t make any sense and pulled a Fry. Watching all those VCs, seeing how passionate they are about their work, how stupid their vocabulary is, how committed to the bit they are, and how much they want to be seen as humans is inspiring? For me? I know it’s the same for me as a sex worker.

The reason I want to be a sex worker is because I have a thing about women in power in romantic relationships.

Difficulty in past relationships has arisen from not knowing what I want and making poor decisions with lonely. I got into sex work becasue I realized I couldn’t be anyone other than myself. I work for myself and get to spend time on things I’m passionate about. Solace is good for you- time spent alone is a very important KPI in my industry. It’s okay to text someone you haven’t spoken to in 8 months at 12pm on a Tuesday. They don’t have to respond that day or even that week. There’s no timeline. I’ll be available forever. With this job, I can be that person that women throughout their life can depend on. Because I’ve never figured out what I want, I can be anything. Any one selection necessarily precludes other options. Choosing which stats to max means you have to minimize others.

Relationships can flourish on different timelines. I’ll never turn anyone down for any reason if I’m beholden to only myself.

//

I rubbed the sole of her dogs until my penis erected. I moved the dogs to the beat of the drum. It was very playful. We rhythmically just tapped in. At the bar I was trying to remember what it means to be radically honest. I looked really closely at her. She said I just want to be a good person. She’s far from her partner now and I am providing care. What is it like to love someone platonically? What other things can you explore in this essay about your experience as a sex worker? I could rub your back and watch Netflix loading screen for hours. She moves consistently and deliberately, very careful with the places she puts her body. And I explore, almost disguising my touch. I lead her on and beg desperately for her attention.

The different places you can end up…

I was deep in the east village, near Avenue D. She walked me home and we cuddled up on her couch. The window was open and 20 minutes after I closed my eyes her roommate came home and saw the two of us on the couch together. The fan wasn’t on and there was wind-blowing us so we were cold. I looked into her eyes closely. I looked at her eyelashes. And her roll of belly fat extruded from her shorts and halter top. And she placed her flaps right on my calf so I nestled in there carefully. I can't believe what happened, honestly, last night.

Exploring different kinds of relationships… Using the full couches’ love…

//

Eden knew her roommate would be coming home. I look at her, my big toe and index toe inside of her,massaging her. Her plantar is in mine, and as I hear the door unlock, I freak out. She looks at me and reassures me: “It’s okay. She knows what to do.”

//

I’m home and I have all the pieces arranged before me. A book , notebook, some snacks. I, forgetting to have joy and be bored, dive straight into Knicks highlights and , that’s fine and normal and regular, but then I fall into a Shorts hole. Can we be fr? Suddenly, a 903 number texts me. Because I have trauma from old crazy gfs/ sex without a condom i’m really worried when someone texts me and says “is this michael.” #1- you texted me. #2- i’m not the father. It’s my friend Ezra. I met her at Daquiri’s 3 years ago and she texts me and says I just bought a flight to NYC. We hop on the phone and catch up. She’s no longer 18 and she is in nursing school. She thanked me for the cookie tote I bought her. I remembered her name is pronounced ezra like ease-rah. She flew to cali by herself then met some friends. She delighted me. It was so good to talk to her. I went up to her at daquiris because i guess we kept looking over at each other. I had to push my way through a bunch of other guys to say what’s up why are you looking at me so much. She thought I looked like I sold real estate. The first night we hung out I picked her up in my mom’s Honda and we listened to a SZA album and decided that our age gap would be problematic. The last time we hung out I told her I would tell her about stocks. A few weeks later she told me she had a bf. Last night she said she’s been struggling with her confidence. It was so random/ good to hear from her. I told her about unemployment and that joke I wrote about overcooked steak and people with movies. She asked if I’d made any music I could share. I told her we’re pre-recordings. I don’t have the equipment but when I do I’ll make music like betty hammerschlag and kendrick lamar. I truly don’t know what’s better than HNDRXX Future. I’m gonna get a burrito and do what I want.

We hung out over three years ago. I immediately remembered how close to her I felt and how comfortable I was talking with her. She embraced my idiosyncrasies and nerdiness. Like my satin violet suicoke sandals with pants. I really think I can fix this 10 minute loop of Hallucinating on Soundcloud so that it loops perfectly back into the beginning of the song rather than just clipping/ cutting off. It’s soo soothing.

I lean into video games because they’re lifeless. Much like a doctor, my work is explicitly about sacing lives. I touch, feel, caress, understand, and communicate that I want you to be alive so you can keep doing that. I do get pleasure from my work- I love sex. It just puts me in an incredible vulnerable position. I’m sure wea ll understand how vulnerable sex is. Our fleshy, corporeal sensitive bodies combine with someone elses and we both feel pleasure. Porous skins puffs out and senses organs. Skin is our largest organ so Iguess im a dermatologist. But my fingers ar elight and sensitive. I tap, perform reiki. Vidoe games are a good way for me a professional to feel hard and cold. I don’t put my DS in the freezer for a few hours, but it’s steely exterior sits comfortably rough in my hand when I pick it up. After I’m finished with a client I find it very important (read: disrespectful) to wash my hands. It straddles the line between self-care and disrespect. What would cross the line I believe is washing your face. My hands are clean, I leave, and on the train back home I slip out my DS. It’s a welcome reprieve after just being so physically close to someone. It’s familiar and hard and corrosive like the manhattan bridge I’m flying over.Lecherous, but like the chemicals from the batteries and parts made over seeds are leaking fluid and microplastics into my skin. I’ll have to get that checked out.

Sometimes I flurt with having other jobs. I always wanted to write professionally. My #1 goal was to be a writer on SNL. I’m attracted to a literary type which probably means I’m not a literary type. The other day I saw a woman with a drift magazine tote on the sidewalk. I altered my path so i would cruise towards her and hopefully catch a snippet of conversation she was having. Reason being I was interested in hearing what someone who subscribes/ has interest in drift mag is doing on Saturday morning in cobble hill. Next to Mr. Cheeks.

I’ve put all that behind me now, though.

(The beauty of this idea is it conveys exhaustion and disgust with oneself. And the bliss of turning oneself off to the world around them. The protagonist is constantly numbing himself while trying to do less dumb shit… which is great, but Tomas views his womanizing as a challenge. He defines two types of men who pursue woman aka womanizers: lyrical & epic. I’d define a third: working. Shading the central conceit with a different color, a working womanizer hides himself within his escapades. He puts his life into his job. Work is, endemically, about pleasure- providing and receiving. It’s completely voluntary always and motivation to purse has been rooted in a deep craving for pleasures of the flesh. Milan Kundera describes what womanizers are searching for as the parts unknown, that aren’t revealed to the public in polite society. The character he describes isn’t at all a sex worker , he’s doing it solely for pleasure. Men can work in sex work without the economic fear at it’s root. A misogynistic cloud hangs over empowerment’s head for women, but men can play video games freely and fantasize about fucking. Fantasy overrides reality in this idea… crafting a life that’s worth living is important to everyone. The character in my own story must struggle with that.

Maybe talk about the harm it can do to you in old age

//

I can think about these things and jerk off- we don't have to go any further

//

Maybe I'm like Holden caufeld. And they're catching me, too. When I'm lonely. Or refusing to be distracted by other things

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Designing an algorithm for who / when I'll be into them

New dialogue ideas...

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The low-level scheduling anxiety... your internal debate with Rachel etc, having women friends

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Class implication of monogamy vs multiple partners... but sex, despite being a dirty thing people in Kansas do, is equalizing and beautiful.

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The feeling doesn't last... disgust creeps in.

And when you're older, getting tested for STDs is harder- you can't hold in your bladder as much.

//

YouTube doesn't have any yoga for sex workers so i just fall down

// Tomas and i are similar in ways that were dissimilar to Teresa

I want to see you I'm very protecting of my time rn I'm working

//

I forgot the camera :(

I got my clients mixed-up and quickly covered up my admission with more lies. I can’t believe the opportunities that lie in front of me. The rain keeps falling. And like I said I’m trying to be focused and melodramtci but how long gone is in my ear. What you write is good, mike :)