Stand Up Set Ideas

Dating in Tyler vs New York

Who is single? Me too

Who is in a relationship? Nice me too

I grew up in Texas… in texas you got yt bros who are huge rap fans… there’s a lot of space out there for them… they can hone their craft… and pull up to

I went to college in Texas and I was walking around NYU the other day. At UT Austin I cleaned up. Don't put me in soho. I'll break a lot less necks. I look just good enough to distract you from studying at the library, but not enough to steal your girl.

Anyone ever tried to steal someone’s girl? I was out at a club a 4th of july weekend and I was talking to this girl. Eventually some italian guy won? I guess and they left after the club and I went up to them and and asked her if she was gonna go home with this guy. She shrugged. I walked away.

I got fired because I didn't know how QR codes worked.. Apparently they expire?

I've listened to a few podcasts where women authors discuss romance novels and I still don't get what they’re talking about. Maybe someone can explain it to me.

Sax on bridge

• NY is wild. I love living here. I was crossing the manhattan bridge and saw a guy wailing on the saxophone at 11pm on a Sunday. The train rolled by and I was like… wow… my ears hurt.

My baby mama in Texas cursed me

• For a while I thought I had a kid
• I don’t think I do now but out of the blue I got a call from someone experiencing a bipolar schizophrenic episode
• She asked me if i remembered when i “came really deep inside of her and planted my seed in her”
• And i was like no… i don't remember that..
• And then she went off and placed a curse on me
• I fucked up because when I picked up the call she was like normal and like hey Michael I I miss you!
• And because I suck I said.. Hey, how are you?
• She jumped on that and then jumped off the deep end
• Eventually her aunt hopped on the phone and she was like I'll handle this
• I dont hear from this person for a year. For a year i was like… yep i got a kid

Being single forever

• I love getting hit up for sex
• From someone you haven’t combined with in 3-4 months… they may have reupholstered their pussy!
• As someone with a small penis and low self esteem it's a real joy to see that text pop up on my screen

Ancestors

• Been thinking about my ancestors lately
• My grandfather died when my dad was two
• He was addicted to heroin, white women, and playing the saxophone
• My moms dad also died young. He loved white women, heroin, and laundering money
• I think the bar is pretty low for me
• I got fired recently and a friend of a friend asked me if I was gonna try and get another tech job… I'm taking up piano.
• If I can just not end up dead in an alley we’ll consider that success. Post about that on linkedin.
• My parents are cool though they're alive and not addicted to drugs
• My sister has a lot of issues though

Sister

• Does anyone else have a sibling that struggles?
• Mine can't hold down a job
• She’s a server and she keeps getting fired from all these different restaurants. And not fancy restaurants like in that show the wolf. More like applebees and shit.
• She gets fired because she’s rude to customers and slams their bloomin 'onion on the table and says they deserved it.
• You can't reason with her. There’s the saying that whenever you keep finding problems that you are the problem.
• But maybe there’s an evil cabal of people that have committed to ruining my sister’s career in serving.
• They all communicate in group chats , figure out what makes her tick.
• I think she could do a lot of different stuff. She’s a great writer so maybe she could do Only Fans.
• I’d support her- emotionally and morally not financially. I get that shit for free already.
• It sucks though… i really feel on her i mean feel for her
• We're not talking right now…

N-Word

• Another thing about my family is that my dad is half black. *proudly* So I can whisper the n-word.
• My heroin-addicted grandfather could say it with a hard R. My dad can say it ending in a. And I can say the word partially. Just split it down the middle and take your pic.
• What’s up my -ga

Sad at Dunkin's

• Immigrants who work at national fast food chains have it tough
• The hijab gets caught in the carmel pump
• I saw a Moslem womxn speak to a group of rascally 13-year olds about how much carmel drizzle they want
• Pretty sure carmel drizzle isn’t in the quran
• You know what's sad about seeing a poor, old person down on their luck? That they tried and failed at life and there's no time to try and fix it.

Well done

• What do people who enjoy overcooked steak & people who don’t know how to describe what they enjoyed about a movie have in common? They say “It was done really well.”

67

• If someone happens toSays the numbers 67 and no 9 year olds are. Around to hear it, does it count? Like toward the count? Cus we’re measuring this, right? Like Henry cavendish?