Day 0.5 Sunday 6/28/26
I told myself I want to be that one dude who don’t play bout his diet and exercise and sleep. I got off the plane, took the train home, and forgot to take out the compost.
Day 1 6/29/26 Monday
I still don't know what i want
Life is a game of choices, not chances.
I'm coming up with some excuses as to why I can't go to sterling records right now. The 8am Michael was right, the 1:30 pm one is wrong. I’m abnormally busy today. Remember what's important: 3 crack commandments, that one dude who don't play bout his diet and exercise, and rest. And writing. You're back in college- act like it!
My focus is alloyed with a tilted smiling twitch.
I saw another teenaged college student exit my therapists office. Maybe him nor my gf have my best interests in mind.
Gace a death glare to the
I hyperventilated when I realized all my nudes from jubjang were gone.
I woke up and felt… fine I guess. I made tentative plans with Eden but realized I had a full schedule. I suffered in the morning when I realized I didn’t have my old messages with my whatsapp gf Jubjang. After searching tirelessly I found her on the web. Minopuz… I’m inspired a little to be confident and bold and remember that life is too short. Whenever I feel bored I turn on a little how long gone. I found minopuz, smoked, and made it to the gym where I had an opportunity to reset my body. I ran on the treadmill and spent 40 minutes stretching and douign core workouts. I had to remind myself on the way back that I have no reason to be stressed. I was worried about going to Sterling Records and askiung for a job, plus I was worried the leahys would be mad I didn’t take the compost out. Turns out someone had taken it out on my behalf but just thrown it on top of the garbage? Not really sure. I need to buy 45 gal trash can liners because… we get messy and gross on the street of brooklyn. I was happy to be a completionist even if I did feel a little rushed and short on time. The whole minopuz thing threw me for a tizzy. I felt like she had died and I was mourning. I don’t want anyone else in my life to die. Or at least by die i mean end on bad terms. And by end on bad terms I mean haven’t slept with them yet.
I shower shave and make a hearty lunch before stalling. Stalling but not scrolling. I call Bernice and she confirms we’re meeting today at 2:30. I make it to whole foods to drop off my garb and make it back exactly at 2:30 and see Bernice standing at the top of my stoop. I’m exhausted and I invite her upstairs and make coffee. She tells me about her bedridden friend on roosevelt island who could use my help. I say OK and hand her a glass of water. We go into my room to work on my computer and she sees my sticky note for my 3 rules no porn no scrolling eat healthy and doesn’t say anything. I wantonly recommend 3 stocks IDK if I would invest in myself and then I have to run to make it to my therapy appointment.
It’s hot and sunny but the walk is fine. Jeff is weird as always. He takes a bathroom break in the middle of our 45-minte conversation of him asking me how many jobs I applied to and making sure I don’t lead Maia on which I mostly agree with. But i’m just being extra disparaging to him about her because I know he doesn’t like our relationship. I don’t make it to sterling records. I stop by trader joes and buy a bag of chips and some healthy things. Then I roast potatoes and buy a sandwich from paisanos. I call maia because eden texted me about my plans tn. I told her I was volunteering until 9 and that’s when maia and i initially planned to call. But I felt our talk could’ve been asynchronous.
Anyway I go to volunteer and it is good and I wonder if anyone there will give me a job.
I leave and make a relatively frivolous purchase of a Recess beverage. I thought I had some energy in me to write but I put on Boldy James and fall asleep. I wake up around midnight and brush my teeth and put my potatoes in the fridge.
My brain is at risk of being constantly overstimulated. I told my therapist that I have my life in my hands. It’s a precious opportunity. I really do think I can succeed if i make smart choices. LIke eating oatmeal and not playing about my diet and exercise and wearing a condom.
Day 2
Idk if my therapist or my gf have my best interest in mind... it feels like they don't really know me. And I’m not going schizo or anything but how am I supposed to travel to Bari in July and Albania without a job? You have to understand the total cost of the trip will be around $2500. I’m already $1000 in debt. I could sell a lot of stock but that’s not in my best interest. Maia has never had to worry about money. My therapist only worries about money. Maia doesn’t live here but I wanna see her which makes me want to go and travel with her. Maybe… maybe I should wait. My therapist doesnt know I have many friends. He excused himself on Monday to go to the rr.
Today begins my fast
Maybe I'll get to see Eden idk
What doesn't hurt me when I'm swimming? Ego is most bruised
I took my prison photo, smiling as animal collective played.
I replaced the shower rings, smiling as the sundays played.
It was a beautiful, productive afternoon. Despite feeling like all hell directly after the pool, the pool provides sunshine effect on the rest of your day. The photos of the prison looked good- I’m feeling better and better about my skills w/ the camera. I was smiling because I’m so lucky to be where I noticed myself. I love that song fireworks by anco and I loved the idea of documenting the massive prison that’s being built in front of my apartment. I believe the website I’m building with the help of AI will be a boon to my self-confidence.
At the pool there were 30-50 4 year olds learning how to swim. They adults were shepherding them through the hallways and their fear. The coaches were so loud sort-of blew my high.
WOrking with Gloria yesterday was certainly mid. I feel like she does this thing where she acts as if she desperately needs me, which is fine, but it’s also liek, you’re gonna be fine and you don’t need to try and make me feel shame if I can’t come drive you somewhere. So yesterday I take her to whole foods and she’s articuarly snappy and as i’m loading her back in the car she says hurry up and i say dont do that to me- you know I’m moving as fast as I can. And she said oh that wasn’t meant for you. I get that she’s 90 but it’s also like- bruh wtf are we doing here. I turnt it down!
She had a damn house cleaner named patricia that drove her to the fucking place anyway like bruhhh. But i’m glad I didn’t let it get me down too much and like I said I’m glad I made it to the pool. Weed helps me push through things I don’t want to do.
# of jobs applied to: 0. # of frivolous purchases: 0.
I made a good healthy meal to prepare for the 24-hour fast. Eden said i could meet her at the dog park tomorrow. My day was a lot less busy which I was grateful for. I cracked open susan sontag spanish, listened to some language transfer, and played Phantom Hourglass for a few hours. My facetime with maia proved, frustrating but also relieving. I excavated a lot of the thoughts I’d been having and shared them with her. I still don’t know if this is the best sort-of, idea or plan, to travel in July but this is sort-of where we’re at now.
An idea that keeps popping up in my head about my site is just doing things and then talking about them. I don’t know why, but I really love the idea of saying you’re going to do something creative and then doing it. It’s sort-of like crossing things off a to-do list, which I love to-do. Treating creative work like a task is a good thing, I think, because it’s about executing and making yourself do the thing. I stil haven’t sat down and composed any music but I do believe that is on the horizon. Some ideas I’ve had are the one about following a cool couple smoking a cigarette in prospect park, calling a company to ask about if I can go to the top of the building and take some pics, printing out AI business cards/ flyers for handy main services, loitering at construction sites to try and get a job, finding tha red head bartender from my dreams, and taking photos of commuters attire based on time of day. The sum is greater than the whole or whatever. And of course calling apple music, calling a music consulting company, etc. these show that I really care about stuff like that. Also just like show a good document of what it’s like to geta job in 2026. Also is like a reason to be confident. I don’t get as bruised an ego if I know I’m doing something for the bit.
Day 3
I didn’t play bout my diet exercise or sleep so I woke up at 7, felt twinge of shame for masturbating to an ex’s nudes, and decided I walked to go get coffee in the morning to jump start my caffeine give me abreak from the hell that is fasting. The heat is heating. What else am I supposed to do but go to gloria’s house and build chairs? I wasn’t high but I felt high. So many weirdos in that house. I didn’t have any music to listen to while building furniture but I was like… damn this is a waste of time. My dad confirmed my suspicion for me later today:
“Driving Ms. daisy around a few times per week isn’t going to pay the bills. What are you going to do?”
All of a sudden people are like, stressed. And I don’t feel that way. Look- I’ll pay my rent right now. Get off my back. I’ll sell crack before I put on a suit and tie and sit in a cubicle to talk about absolute bullshit all day. Other people lead lives they’re proud of- why cant you be one of them?
Only person who said I know you’ll be good is Ambur. I have a lot of admin stuff to do and it’s hot so i’m gonna work on the whole, you know, being productive and getting a job thing that everyone is talking about.
Broke my fast with a quesadilla. Had nice dinner with Bernice’s family. Finally saw Eden in EV. She got into a truck.
Cheers!
Fasting reminds me to be present. There's no way out but through.
Times i used ai when i could've thought: 2
Day 4 Thursday July 2nd
Part of this is self masturbatory- i could just tell you the good parts in a near bulleted list
Isaias got into town and that was cool. We linked, walked around my neighborhood, and met up with Keegan at 50 Murray St in Tribeca. We went to a nearby bar to get drinks and we got super drunk and had a lot of fun. I was able to convince Isaias and Keegan to meet up with Cameron and Chandler at Clandestinos around midnight. We turned up there. It was my first time and it was great being surrounded by all my close friends. I felt really comfortable in a place that when I first moved here made me feel strangely uncomfortable. I ordered a couple drinks, we chipped a ciggie, yelled at domestic violence survivors, saw fireworks, got invited into the bathroom, reassured one another we’d be right back while we did cocaine around the corner, and eventually made it to Foood. When we walked in they were playing Simple & Clean by Hikaru Utada so that was great. Isaias was tired but Cam & Chandler still wanted to hang so I checked my Find My app and saw Andy wasn’t at home. It was already 3:30 am so we made it home and I set Isaias up on the couch, promised him a pillow I never delivered, and proceeded to serve my guests a drink and the connection to my bluetooth bookshelf speakers. We just started turning up as soon as Cameron put on a MUSIC deepcut. The speakers shook the floor and we danced until the sun came up. We went outside to catch some air. Cameron showed me a video he made for ASU journalism where he waited outside for a long time to get shoes. People cut hiim in line. It was the first time him and Chnadler hung out 1:1. I tried to stay awake to go the gym when it opened @ 6 but during my warm-up I passed out.
Day 5
Smell like puke
Workout revived me
I’m pulling the trigger on Bari
Keegan and his friend Steph came over. Isaias and my roommate Andy got to meet and talk guitars which was great. I subscribed to FoxOne so we could watch the world cup and isaias brought home sprite zero & Argentinian wine so we could have the “Messi drink” while watching the game. Classy move. A random storm hit on our way to Boat bar. Went to Savelli after the sad cabo verde defeat. We ended up going to a sports bar in Chinatown that was kinda mid. Keegan and Steph wanted to dip so Isaias and I went to Time Again and just kinda chilled. It was my first time and uh I had a decent time. We leave and I don’t say goodbye to the weirdos we talked to. We flirt with the cool kids standing outside Foood and I tell the owner he plays great music. Some guy gives us firecrackers outside 169 bar. We get back, grab pizza, and Isaias’ ex gf calls him drunk. This was the first time they had spoke in over two weeks after going no-contact. We get home and I deliver Isaias his pillow.
Day 6
Daily provisions in the morning after a great workout at the gym. Isaias said he could I tell I work out with intention. I said yep, injury prevention, strength, and longevity. Felt really good.
$5000 lasts two years
Ayo. I'm gonna back up- excuse me.
Nothing was worse than talking to the guy @ ergot- you got this.
"Are you going home w/ him?"
*Shrugs*
“I think we’re going to go somewhere near mine on the UES”
Everyone is getting dicked down but me
I'll be honest i didn't even care about her i just care about myself
And Foood bar in Chinatown
I'm drunk but i might chill and play some video games
Oh! And LSU mathematics grad
I think about Kaya
And everyone else
And none of it matters
You'll be dead in a second
Hey nice to meet you have you ever thought about killing yourself ? S/o Ava at clandos.
I threw some firecrackers in the empty Soho street and whispered to myself “Happy 4th”. Just then I saw a girl being swept away in an uber.
I love you
Some mfs travel and fuck for their whole lives. Stay posted on mine.
It's so loud in my bathroom at 4:04 am. No one's here but me but i can't stop hearing the regret.
Nahhhh it's fine
The type of guy who will undress naked in front of his friends hookup doesn't write ... her tits looked nice and droopy tho
I'm mad he didn't treat her with respect. We're talking biomarkers here. Baby turnt. KK are you there? I'm up early. Christina? I'll be wherever you need. Ezra, trust me. I got you.
I was dancing too much to dj koze and a drink spilled on me.
6 days in- peace and love
Isaias- there are condoms in my closet on the top shelf to the right. Please don’t spurt on my air mattress.
At the first bar we hit after delicious tacos and smoke and a few claws on the roof I order a makers on the rocks and have a huge glass handed to me. When I walked in the bar the music was good and it wasn’t that packed and I see a fun guy sorta dressed fun so I’m kinda giving the same good vibes the bar is giving. I feel confident, I use the rr, I order my drink. The Dj is spinning all the hits so I shazam a great song I want to remix. Isaias sees me shazaming it and says do you want to know what the song is? I said yeah it’s- before I can finish he’s talking to a group of women asking them instead. They’re all really cute & sweet. One of them went to LSU. She’s from Baton Rouge. The drink is still so huge but I want to keep talking to all of them but we leave. Keegan sees a nice woman on the way out so he tries to say hi but the security guard says no ins and outs. You come out your shit is gone… I see some fireworks over soho on the second floor of the ripple room. People are young but slightly older at ACME. I follow Isaias into the restroom and he stops a short asian woman and tells her she’s beautiful and asks where she’s from. She hesitates for an uncomfortable amount of time before asking a clarifying question. Before Isaias can respond I say you’re beautiful and I walk away. I meet Keegan and the rest and spend 80 on some drinks which hurts. Eventually Isaias runs into me again and tries to introduce me to this skinny black chick but apparently between him introducing me and me asking if I can buy her a drink some tall skinny white italian with a big nose comes in. She’s already spoken for. I saias goes and hits on a norwegian lady so I get to talk to this asian woman. She notices I’m wearing earplugs. I like her- she lives in SF, works in biotech, and asks me if I’m shy or whatever. I talk to her about my old work at Norstella and and I would love to continue to talk to her or make out or whatever. I leave to say goodbye to isaias and bc this asian dude named teddy is hitting on me. I cant get back in so I wait outside for the small asian woman to exit. First the skinny black one does then she does. I go up to her and her boo and…
The pain is acute. I sit and sulk in a folding chair and feel really shitty. When I get home Isaias gf accidnetally enters the kitchen naked. It’s 4am. I brush my teeth and fall asleep.
Day 7
I wake up around noon and get out to lunch. We hit up a nice thai restaurant and I invite my friend Noumik. Isaias tells me about how andy came to his rescue lol. I feel like he would get along well with Keegan and Isaias but Keegan has to go meet a girl immediately upon his arrival. In a dream I imagine this girl is rotund but Keegan is so vain/ vapid / straight there’s no way. Well the pork belly was good and then Cameron hits me up and we decide to go watch Brazil v. Norway in Bushwick. We commune home and I talk to Noumik about Dhvani’s wedding. He confirms for me that she is of the Brahmin Caste. I wear a red t-shirt to Norway and Cameron goes to get groceries. When I ask the dude how to make these overprcied pao de quejos I bought he reluctantly tells me cassava flour. Noumik and I each drink a huge bottle of water. I’m going to try and be sober this week. I tidy things up around the house which feels good
Day 8
In the rain I went to take a test and on the train I saw beautiful shoes and beautiful pants. I stopped by a nice local market to buy some onions and peppers that were on sale. I also bought a bag of red potatoes. Clean eating is the best. I came home and cooked everything up and added a couple cans of black beans to the pot. In the middle of parboiling my potatoes I have to sign-in to a workforce 1 zoom call for a job opportunity as a food handler/ deliverer. I quickly search for my safe2serve licenses I earned a year or two ago and send it to her. The rep/ agent/ recruiter/ whatever enters my breakout room and I point her in the direction of my relevant experience. She says great- dress nice on Friday. I go back to parboiling with 10% less guilt. I meet Bernice in the late afternoon to eat and catch up and call her insurance company. She gave me $30 for my time. When I got back home I accidentally smoked weed before going on my run in the rain. I run down toward gowanus and feel really good about my decision to run outside instead of at the gym but I realize that running is such a pro-social activity. Exercise is something that people do to distract themselves from something else. I imagine people working during my outing. I believe what separates successful people from unsuccessful people is running- successful people don’t cut any corners and have integrity. I wonder if I continue to do hard things will those things make me a better person or make life easier or?
I call Paul about the leak the Leahys told me about while I was at the appointment. I try and make small talk and he’s nice and descriptive. I awkwardly switch to telling him about the leak. Before I hang up I tell him that he continues to prove to be an invaluable resource. He says sorry if I’m not the most chatty I was just in the car for 5 hours. He asks if I’m having fun but I’m not sure exactly what he means… so I say yes!
Books through Bars was nice. Met a few nice people and talked about John Steinbeck & Naked Lunch. On the way home I text Elaine about staying dry / getting wet. I fry up some eggs but I can’t achieve the lacy edges. I warm up my parboiled and roasted red potatoes and then do some cleaning. I cook some blueberry pancakes. Elaine comes over. When she leaves I finish my blueberry pancakes. Andy still isn’t home so I just order Popeye’s and watch family guy and fall asleep on the couch.
Day 9
The first thing I ate was a mushroom from Goa. It was sort-of smoky and spicy. The mushroom flavor was initially masked by a smoldering flavor that collapsed into mycelium when you started to chew.
Bernice had bought Indian Table and I met her around the corner to help her transport it back to mine. By the end of our visit she had her hands full- laptop, leftovers, doohickeys from a defunct repertory, and children’s knick knacks for Emma overflowed in her arms. I told her that Emma taught 4th graders and most of the stuff my neighbor left was for infants. She said they still like this stuff. The fuck do I know?
After I opened a Charles Schwab Account for her, I warmed up a popeye’s strawberry and cream pie and Bernice and I talked about Edith. We looked at the pictures she gave me last week and she told me about them. They were all photos of Edith, my grandmother, living her life. She was sitting on the stoop petting her dog, selling baked goods at the Atlantic Antic, upstate with my mom’s father’s girlfriend. Talking about these photos made Bernice laugh. Edith was polish- bernice thought fully though I had been told she was polish and hungarian. I don’t think my parents care enough to really… think more about her. She had a brother, though, I learned. I asked Bernice if she ever came out of the closet. And then I distracted her by bringing up acid. She died 30 years ago. Maybe I’ll go to her hospital. I remembered early onset dementia is something I will encounter in my life and this time it didn't make me scared. Heresy or destiny. I looked closely at Bernice's face. She didn't understand it either, despite loving for 86 years. Hm.
Bernice left and I did Indian Table / pancake dishes and watched the world cup and took a nap. It was pretty good but not great. I woke up around 7 and ate my leftover Popeyes order and black beans with a fried protein tortilla. I went downstairs to fill in gaps in my journal, drank a sprite zero, thanked Andy for his kindness, overthanked him for offering to pick me up something from trader joe’s, played phantom hourglass for over an hour and then brushed my teeth and went to bed.
Day 10
There is a feeling of anxiety that invades personal space and distracts me from the present moment. Manifested throughout my life, unable to be quelled by any therapist. Probably has something to do with my grandmother’s dementia. Though I’ve been doing a good job of keeping it under wraps while writing this. What did I forget?
K-rina came over and brightened my morning and drained my energy. She was wearing a bright dress and I was wearing a striped shirt. I realized we were living our best lives, here and now. I put a window in the wall. The train was on-time and Gloria was texting when I got to 131 buckingham. Caroline Calloway advertised in the personal section of this month’s edition of the New York Review of Books. Goodreads captured my excitement, Gloria begged to leave, we rallied just as I opened up another tab, satisfied I’d captured all the data that would distract me. The road to Manhattan was paved with good intentions and construction. It was bright and everyone’s mood was tempered. As we crossed the bridge into Chinatown, the enormity of the bridge came into focus. The sky was blue and white steel shaped in slender forms slinked and locked tightly under the wheels of her starred Subaru. Chinatown was a bevy of baubles and hullabaloo and gemstones. I didn’t hit anyone. I narrated out loud so Gloria felt safer and was aware of my thought process while we were bending Mott street onto Mulberry. Vasari has a store here, near Spring st. Parallel parking was a breeze once the car ahead scooted forward. The corner table was clear and we rolled Gloria to her position. Loud college interns sat next to us. The dumplings were pan-fried and held pork and cabbage. Delicious! Gloria’s eyes began to bother her as we went uptown. She was clearly in a lot of pain. Cooling off in the shade underneath the highline. My phone was on 1% so i put on airplane mode and took us through the tunnel back to Manhattan. Pressed for details, I tried to elucidate my point about my feeling of whiplash coming from manhattan to Brooklyn. I wasn’t too worried, though, Gloria is very pushy- she doesn’t really get.. Vibes. At home I re-read Caroline Calloway’s personal ad. What does she want? Where has she been? Do I have a shot? Her website is great! When I get home I facetime this dude about the apartment (He declined- must be the “HVAC”). Andy seems nonplussed after the call- typical. I smoke and get anxious and warm-up for the gym. My headphones malfunction when I’m doing push-ups and I wonder if i’ll be able to write a piece “titled” Sony WH-1000XM5s ruined my hearing. I still feel a light pressure in my left ear. I have to throw those things in the trash… but Felicia Atkinson sounded so great…
I run away from an orange swimmer but steal glances of the rear. We do fall in love every minute, I think to myself when she is under the scaffolding and I see some pants waiting to cross the street. Indian Table leftovers for dinner with a delicious bowl of greek yogurt and mangos and honey and flaxseed and hemp seeds. High in calories and in fun. Because my legs are jelly I can’t abide by my google calendar. I play phantom hourglass and fall asleep on my floor, still anxious about renting a room, being $3000 in debt, and my eardrums. Too many thoughts put me into a sleep that I deserve.
What were my tabs? Did I want to put them in a museum? They certainly didn’t feel like a tool. I had brought them down to around $250. From memory, here are some highlights:
Honestly, I don’t love that they got deleted. My tabs were a collection of things I had discovered while browsing the web that, at one point, I wanted to digest and think about and hopefully influence me in a positive way so that I could share with others. I wanted to be inspired by whatever was hanging out in there. Apparently, tabs aren’t bookmarks. I feel sad they left me. They were important to me. I’m mourning them. Tabs held my personality. No one looked at them. They were a private digital archive of my interests. What the fuck does that matter? My left ear is still numb. I can fight anxiety that comes with not wearing headphones while commuting or working out. Throw those sony’s away.
Um, I think I found my tabs. The ones in groups anyway, not the main ones. Not sure what to do now… How do i mourn tabs partially? Mourning tabs.
Day 11
I wrote for a bit because I slept a lot. After showing the homie the house and asking him about his merrells, I wrote, because that’s what I was supposed to do. Andy left, I made coffee, and realized I had more tabs saved, but not all of them. It cheapened the surviving tabs. Any time spent attempting to restore the ones I lost seems wasteful. I converted my chrome tabs to bookmarks and felt anxious. At 11 I went to the gym sober and without headphones. At the gym, in the same place where my ears malfunctioned, I exhaled deeply through my nose and felt pressure build in my left ear canal. I briefly cried. But then I looked at myself in the mirror and said this is life and forced a smile. Today’s my day. I got back home and ate a lot of protein and showered and shaved but felt not really motivated to do anything. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the managing people coming by the house, maybe it was the fact that I knew they Leahys basement was leaking. I napped unfortunately and unfortunately looked at r/indianownedwomen. Just a peek. When I woke up from my nap the rain hadn’t stopped and I decided to eat chips and dip. Watched French Game. I should’ve went down there during the rain, not avoided it. I wasn’t thinking. Feels good to say out loud. Weirdos moved in next store. When pitaak came to check out the space I commented on the # of yt people in the hood and he laughed. Buttermilk dredge coated the thighs nicely and paired suprirsingly well with seasoned black beans and week-old rice. Phantom Hourglass sucked my own time from me. At night I talked to Robbie a lot.
There’s much to do. I’m nervous about my interview and definitely need to continue to focus on the things that matter like sleeping with the last remaining Scottish trip friend and sleeping and doing the things my dad asked me and getting Pitaak set up and doing my laundry and prepping to swim with emma and those business cards and my website and my flight and pics of prison and signing up for more volunteering. Right now I’ll make some coffee, get dressed, prep for my interview, then make some oatmeal. Are you okay? Yeah I feel a little weird after cumming to Robbie and mofos.com skinny red head but the way her body looked was exquisite. My sleep wasn’t great. I enjoyed talking to my mom I need to do that more often. Your life is in your hands. Make decisions that inspire you and others and that you will be proud of when you're 42. Today is your day. I love you let’s get it!
Day 12
If the tabs were lost, and now there found, can i re-issue this album on Numero?
We don't cancel noise anymore
What does success look like to you in this role?
Really happy for showtime. I just let the rubber band snap. Everything would've been perfect if i didn't have a stain on my shirt.
I am in debt
And that's ok.
My year of rest and relaxation.
I just told DoorDash my middle name and I can’t even walk for them. AI said I could. New York is good because it's a vibe. It's always on haha and you can look at the skyline whenever you get sad and be outside :)
Day 13
I wake up the night after watching open and feel sick. Like crummy. Like i have a sore throat. Masturabting at night just saps the life from you. You get so high but the come down the next morning is dismal...
Everyday i wake up and relive my sons death
Fuck poetica go Jews
Fuck a BBQ too
2 cig opportunities passed me by
3 if you count the canceled calendar invite
Thoughts are like boomerangs
I felt like an elder statesman . Like someone with four year degree. Like a creative who makes money.
I need to go back to relax lounge on a Tuesday
Day 14
Synchronize
We missed Manhattanhenge and gesticulated wildly
Day 15
Fakemink on the F on Monday morning
Everything is okay
If you could do anything in New York for a couple months? What would you do?
Day 16
Hanigawa
Trauma in the morning
Manipulative tactics
Cheeky french Bullet + good sandwach
Lock in in the morning and waking up late
Still nothing back from the kitchen steward position
Day 17 Wednesday July 15th.
Caveat- pitchrpast live
Isaias sees me for who i am
So did Jocelyn
Dhvani and I were smoking outside the riverside cafe
Oh right and her perfect skull in front of me... and Jessica Lu... it's so over.
I learned about biaxal keys. Are you guys hiring?
I unfollowed Beach Sloth. Does Sam still like me?
Tabs are dumb- history is cool. Pitak moved in yesterday. My job prospects are like, so boring, but I’ll go look for some now. I’m not sure if Gloria is wanting me to work today. Maia left yesterday. I honesty feel insane after that. Emma… It’s so over. Meg Bitchell was going to Madonna.
Day 18
Brian linkup ... awkward and angry
My friends are leaving and i focused too much on sex
In my 20s i lived a life like James Bond
Walking through smog and listening to rod model
I refused to go to the bar with the only other person I've met intern for Jeff Weiss
You gotta find that neutral position and just stall out there
That kinda stuff takes away from
You
The connection between exercise and creative work is profoundly close. Neither one you really want to do. Exercise is being creative and being creative is exercise. We do things because we want to do them and because we believe in healthful decisions. Predicting how we'll feel in the future before taking actiomis one of the most powerful things we can do. Think before you act speak etc
Exercise
Remember that your James Bond in a smoggy city and you're looking straight ahead and listening to rod modell
Thinking about saying fuck my therapist- i can write my own narrative. I can narrativize enough and self manifest enough by myself and with my friends & the people i meet
No way out but up
I was so dejected this late morning I was just deleting photos off my computer… trying desperately to be productive. If this isn’t clear yet: I am UNEMPLOYEd. I will be spending time in the morning every morning and time in the evening very evening looking for. Gig work for the next 7 days. If I can make ~$900 in a week I will feel very proud of myself. Only other things that will be prioritized are sex, deep work in writing or website building, journaling, reading, DS/ PS4, cooking, researching Albania, upskilling home improvement work, researching green fund energy companies for Bernice, exercising, watching the WC final, sleeping 8 hours a night, eating a frozen cucumber & mango salad daily, clearing out old to-do lists,…
JK But yeah like I was saying I need to be presently at focus on getting out of trouble and being employed. Maybe I should make a counter on my wall or something. Or a daily check-in? Are you making $ yet? If the answer is no, you know what to do. You should only be focused on sex, writing, working on your website, reading, and eating healthy. For everyone’s sake, these are the only things you should be working on in-between a morning and evening check of the sites that are useful for people who want to make cash quickly online or , like, you know gig work. So, like craigslist, really. Sex and going outside is very important, don’t forget this. Sex …
Fuck I really think I lost my train of thought up there when I thought about all the things that are in front of me that distract me. I really want to ruthlessly attack one thing at a time, in the real-world, so I can clear my desk. I feel inside of me some pressure behind my shoulders and tingling on the areas between my lower ears and my shoulder, particularly on my neck. I really do want to practice deep work and sex but there are 9000 distractions literally on my desk. Here’s my thought- time block deep work for tonight and tomorrow. Report back when you’ve done so. Okay done I also prepped time to work on Bernice’s things. There’s a lot of bullshit in front of me and I know that I didn’t do any topicalized writing or work toward any creative expression in areas of weakness… or did I… either way I know I need to push myself harder in different directions. My healthy decisions related to sleep and time management and focus will drive healthful, positive outcomes in creative endeavors. Let’s work smartly and efficiently until ~7pm when I will begin an hour of work on Bernice’s deliverable tomorrow. Here’s what I want to accomplish:
You know I don’t like to do that stuff. You didn’t even make me say I want you to stay because you knew how dumb this was for you to do You never follow-through with any of your threats. It’s weird, bro. It’s super weird. You know how I feel. You don’t have short-term memory loss. Why did you get up and leave? I started crying Maia. I felt awful. I know that you felt hurt too and that you were sick and tired of arguing. On the train. In my bed. In the kitchen. We couldn’t stop. But waking up to your rustling back pack and getting up and leaving and why did you take so long in the bath that one night? I could feel my hair greying. Nothing is worth my peace. Don’t do that shit again. I’m serious. Speak with your heart and I have to speak with mine. I don’t like repeating myself because what the fuck If something is the matter I’ll tell you. Don’t fucking try and fake me out again. What are you feeling in this moment? Really. When you get like this it’s a side I don’t like at all. It’s cold and aggressive and weird. It’s manipulative- you said it yourself.
I know you have a good side and that’s the side I fell in love with. Do you want me to leave? I shook my head no, still half-asleep. Maybe I said don’t go. Maybe I asked why you want to leave. You said you didn’t want to fight anymore. Which is a completely valid reason. Maybe I said I promise we won’t fight anymore. But why did we fight? Because you felt hurt by things I said like- I am enjoying being single or my therapist thinks your enemy #1. I don’t like my therapist broooo like chill out? You’re so insecure. Getting offended at the littlest thing. You retard my ability to be James Bond.. You look scared. I’m single bro. So are you.
There was never a time where we had consensual unprotected sex and you didn’t know exactly what my STD/STI health was. Me and that girl always used a condom. I never didn’t use a condom with someone and then not use a condom with you. I didn’t play you like that. The only way that’s ever happened has been because of freak accidents. I promise.
Day 19
The issue with being a cosmopolitan traveler... you gotta be lowkey... I'm here to find another Tyler, that's all. To bring it back to my roots.
There's no one coming to save you this is it
I took a walk today and noticed that in the neighborhood i was in (ocean hill) that a white man was doordashing for a black woman. Delighted at the dichotomy, i then smiled at another black man with dark shades on. He was Shepparding a group of 7 year olds from one bus to another for some summer camp. Another girl who looked like Lakayla was watching them from behind her fence. And then i saw an 18 year old with a mask covering everything but a sleek nose bone and elegant eyebrows. I was distracted by her hips when i realized that was another student of mine.
One day my jaw isn't going to work anymore. I won't be able to chew food as easily. Maybe on day 12,045 I'll write about jaw issues. There's no way I'm getting 10k more days... lol... it's all a coutndown
Everybody on nirosta steel dick lmao like bruh... he gay af...
Yesterday was hard. Since Maia left it’s been hard. I’ve been dealing with that fact and it hasn’t sit comfortable with me. I woke up a bit discombobulated. Wednesday night, the night she left, I overdosed on pizza and cibaos. Passed out while watching coulda been. On Thursday, the first full day without her I had a difficult time staying focused on what was important to me. Gloria cancelled in the morning and I just tried to eat healthily and work. I was fairly successful. I wrote a bit and read a bit and felt decent. Still no website work but nonetheless I wasn’t too mad. I texted Sara and claire. I wrote that thing about how she made me feel. Let me revisit it now. I went to the gym, that’s right. That was good… I didnt lift any weights bc I hadn’t done any of my exercises M-W. I lost a job to transport drugs to atlanta. I told him the LOML lived there and he ignored me. I still feel the way I feel. I have to figure out where I’m staying first night in Bari, or just airbnb lowkey might be the better move and also compute some work around the itinerary. Then look at maia’s car. Then tell her how I feel.
Yesterday I got acid reflux. I ate with bernice which was fun and smoked and tried to volunteer at the shower bus but they weren’t there I’m taking my meds, adjusting my ergonomics of my desk, darning, but I still feel deflated I woke up and it was sweet bliss until I remembered where I was. I think the reason I want to stop watching porn is so i can refrain from sexualizing women in public and having my partner see that. I wonder if without porn the desire I feel for women will become authentic and honest. I want to be authentic and honest with the following people: Nikki, jubjang, chloe, kiran, shai, daisy, skyler, and that’s it. Last two are a joke, though. But life is too short. Is it too short for the first 4? Less time has passed. I wanna be this man who is honest and in-love. I want to take chloe to Scotland and Ireland. I wonder if my dad wanted me to be more successful. Money is our motivator. Saving it and spending it. Let’s work on being famous. Last night I watched a lot of coulda been and played phantom hourglass. I got naked because my bladder was leaking too much into my underwear so the sweat was mixing with the urine and it felt like my whole underpants were damp. My taint was growling due to the milk.
Day 20
The lightning looks like strobe lights.
Day 21
21 days in and this thing called life is particularly harrowing
I should write more about how my body feels, and what ailments arise and for how long they last... health is an interesting facet
I feel so good after a hot shower and shave
Like i can take on the world
But then i remember
Maia and i may have went too far last night. Idk if there's a coming back.
Life is easy if you let it be easy
Or is it harrowing?
What i mean is... be happy. Life is harrowing. None of us are getting out of it ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
For whatever reason when i wake up my right big toe has been hurting.?
Cancelling my next two therapy appointments.
I took a shower and feeeeeeel
My ex gf said i need to soup being sexist so i sat very still in the stool at time again so i didn't bump into anyone.
We were so outside and it was beautiful. I missed KK immensely. I texted Sarah Jieun Wie and met this nice fellow named Dev that let cam hit the vape. I didn’t text KK because I haven’t done anything with my life.
We woke up early and decided to press reset. Hot, water disappeared into my pores and revitalized me from the inside out. *schk schik* went the razor as it caressed my skin- no nicks cuts or scrapes at all. I felt good- like I could talk to strangers. Maybe I’d see KK. Really nice guy @ DMG. During the hydration break we ran over to chopped cheese deli and got some beers. I wonder how many stories / videos I was in- we had great spots. It was a load of fun. Despot was chillin. Lol. I love the LES. We were OUTSIDE. I came home and fried chicken. I want to continue to drink cheaply with fmy friends in public.
Day 22
Woke up and kind of got to work. Back and forth with maia about this trip has been intense. I didn’t sleep aprticularly well so around 2 am I woke up and went and got a sugar-ree drink at Mr. Beer and booked two more airbnbs. I was feeling really excited. But Maia told me that she’s been felling tingly in her hands which was concerning. We’re still taking our doxycycline meds but I don’t want her to have any negative side effects. Why is it always me getting weird side effects? Why is it me who has to get an abortion? She apparently told Celia some stuff she was dealing with which was great, because I had to go work with Bernice. We got indian table, caught up, and she gave me $100. Job well done.I went to the gym but just walked. Deposited some cash and got anxious because I thought the guy shorted me. A blue haired barista asked me if I needed help and I was high so I was gonna ask her how her Monday was going. She had a couple piercings and a uh bosom. But right as I was about to flirt the woman came over and asked me for cash. I handed her a $20 after fumbling through $800. The pierced siren had disappeared under the counter and when I turned to leave I felt a pinge of pain and regret. I noticed it as I was walking towards Chase. Then in-line at Chase Maia and I made pros and cons lists. She’s worried, I’m worried. It’s all not very good but at the same time… I don’t know what I would do if she decided not to hop on her flight. I’d feel really weird and like I wasted a lot of money. I would probably decide to take a real break from our relationship. I love her, though, and don’t want that to happen. This has sort-of taken over a role my black moleskine was playing- Living my life by the approval of others is never good. I want to be alone and reate things I can be roud of. Sara is gonna leave me, Sarah left me and Robbie will, too. My mom and dad and sister and family are the only ones that got me. When the water spurts uptown, and we bathe in it, I only can think of my family. I’m a poor desolate immigrant hoping to be sprayed by cool water. I slam a domino down on the table and say hey. I’m getting fatter but I’ll swim. My run was nice even though I was yelling @ Maia during it. But we worked through it. She can’t keep geting away with this crying at everything. Her skin needs to toughen up. Like- let’s be real bro. She didn’t even wanna go into the hotel chelsea. SHe hesitated and we wcould have turned around. But then she told me about some french old guy she fucked around with. Daddy issues bro- only way you could ever be attracted / go home with a 50 year old married man.
I’m going to make some breakfast then go claude mode I guess lol. Life is meaningless.. Peace.
Day 36? IDK
Here’s a recap of yesterday into today
We woke up fine and got out things together to go to Berat. The light was really nright.
But, really quicklym let’s go back to today so I can get my venmos in order
We woke up and yeah, the sunrise was anticalimactic. I heard the roosters. The real early ones. I can’t do anything with her on my ass all time. Why drag this shit out? I’m over a lot of it. We have a lot of fun but a few things have been irking me.
Her relationship with her ex, her belief about sex, the actual sex, her hanging out with old men for money, her makeup, her vomiting and being a bitch about elvis. I’m just so over all of it. I understand i’m going to try and make her feel more singular but it’s hell, in a way. I don’t have to be a good husband. I just have to practice truthtelling honor courage and respect.
The sunrise wasn’t good so we went back to sleep and i spooned her. We had a fun morning but she was very hyper as she is in the morning but then I got hyper too which was fun. We hadn’t just hung out in bed in a while. Eventually i rip a sugar free red bull and take a huge shit We start the drive to tirana and stop by a place to get junk food. We listen to 1A and things are good. We make it to the gas statio and it’s 4400 lek. Then we have to pay a fine for the ticket. Then we have a patoko. Then we have a big chinese dinner. Then we get smoothies. So, yeah. I’m a little worried about not spending money. A lot of fun is spending money is a lot of fun. I need to be telling her the truth. That i’m nervous, that I will try and make you feel better, but if we can’t figure this out. And we make each other feel bad again. We can’t and irreparable damage has happened.
Listening to akai solo in front of woodwrow wilson square. Did you know he was very pro albania? We met two guys from new york chiling. They bought 3 grams for $70.
//
The Italy albania trip
I’m at the end of the trip. It’s day 39 now I guess. I want to do a light recap of what’s happened and see if after only 2 hours of sleep I can remember cool interesting details about my trip.
When I got into Bari I took a night train. Saw girl applying makeup. Italy was full of 10s and so was Tirana as I would later find out.
Picking up maia at the airport was a waste of time. By the time we drove into Lecce, things were already sort of on edge. We didn’t know what we were goung to do in albania. We had been fighting the week leading up to the trip so last minute planning which is normally fine is something we couldn’t get to do. We relied on last last minute planning which had its downsides. One thing I’m reflecting on is my trip was expensive. As someone without a job, I realy don’t know if it was worth it. Yes, it’s important to me to continue to visit conutnries I haven’t been too before and continue to expand my knowledge of the world. I definitely did that i Italy and albania. But the conflict with Maia may have been too great for me. The concept of toxicity permeated our relationship. Twice in one day she began to cry and look for a way home. Both times I thought she was serious. She says hurtful mean things to me when she feels hurt. And then at te end of the day it’s just hey make me feel better. Yes, I was texting people on my trip. But we need to be able to talk about these things. Our trust in one another has eroded and our desire to gaf has, too. Just because I do things that make her upset does not give her the right to say mean things to me. Like threaten to leave me or say I’ma liar or anything else. I want to be rid of her after this trip. Obviously I love her, and I love the airbnb we stayed in together in Levve and tirana and the experiences we shared from melendugno to Gjirokaster. But overall I’m feeling less like I made the right decision. I’m split. I’m still broke (read even more broke) and my relationship with her has grown strained. Did we come out of it feelin better about one another? I honestly don’t know how i feel. Maybe it’s too early to begin deciding but I know that I’m split. I’m happy to be in Albania of course. But I much would’ve rather gone with isaias. But here we are. You went on a two week international vacation while you’re unemployed with your ex girlfriend. It’s a funny story actually…
//
Maybe I do feel used. I wish I could’ve gone up north and done stuff on my own but fuck. Fuck. I’m over this. I love her but I’m over this. This is bad no longer good. I’m sorry. I’m gonna text her I love you. But i’m done. Fuck me lol. This trip sucked. I feel awful now. I wish I was home asleep. I saved $10 euro. Not big to her but huge to me.
Peace & love.
Day 40
You can tell a lot about what a guy does in the one day he has home between Tirana and Tyler. Here’s what I did:
Part of my unemployment is a resistance to the person I was. I still see vestiges of the productive, focused person I was when I quickly folded my laundry and took both my shorts and socks to the closet, one pile in each hand, saving myself a trip. Maximizing my full capacity. Around 2020 people (Daisy) helped plant the idea that working isn’t cool. Disgusted by the pandemic, the oblong angular, had learned that nothign exists. Productivity became a work- instead, accoridng to jenny zhang, I was supposed to look at a bird all day or something. It’s 2026 now and blogging is the only way to make money.
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